Breeders’ Cup Sprint Winner Runhappy Mattress Mack Debacle

Runhappy Fairy-Tale Takes Turn For The Worst

By: Mark Palmere

What a week it has been for horse racing. And at the center of it all is a dominant 3-year-old who lost only once all year, who many have called a freak, and who took his connections to heights they could have never imagined, winning the Breeders’ Cup Sprint. I’m speaking, of course, of Runhappy. The story of Runhappy, a son of Super Saver (the horse you forgot won the Kentucky Derby even though it was only five years ago), has been described as Hollywood-worthy. And no, that term does not describe a horse who should race in the Gold Cup, since Hollywood Park is sadly closed; it now only describes a horse about whom Hollywood should make a movie. And even after the events of this past week, the Runhappy story is still like a movie, only instead of a heartwarming Disney flick, it is much more like a Best Picture-nominee with a depressing ending that you went to see because the critics loved it, but wound up getting robbed of two-and-a-half hours of your life, and also hope. But I digress.

The reason the story turned sour, in case you missed it, was that just one day after his uplifting Breeders’ Cup Sprint win, Runhappy’s racing manager, Laura Wohlers, announced that he would be removed from the barn of trainer Maria Borell so the horse could prep for Santa Anita’s Malibu Stakes, and after that, I can only imagine, the Dubai World Cup, Ascot’s Prince of Wales’s Stakes, the Arlington Million, the Tour de France, and the Indy 500. The name of Runhappy’s new trainer? Laura Wohlers. Huh. That’s so weird that the new trainer has the same name as the racing manager. Must be a coincidence.

Anyway, the backlash against the move was so strong it ensured that when Ms. Wohlers takes Runhappy to California, she will be the true Malibu’s Most Wanted. Racing fans were so upset they even proposed boycotting voting Runhappy for the Champion Sprinter Eclipse, a campaign that I can neither confirm nor deny was begun by Private Zone’s connections.

With Wohlers quickly becoming the most disliked individual in racing aside from whoever proposed Parx’s current takeout scheme, Runhappy’s owner, Jim “Mattress Mack” McIngvale, felt the need to speak up. Mattress Mack came to the defense of Wohlers, who, in what I am sure is totally happenstance, is his sister-in-law. McIngvale claimed that the decision to fire Borell was his idea alone, Some questioned that assertion, but videos of Borell that have recently surfaced on YouTube actually provide credence to the claim that McIngvale, a furniture store magnate, would be so upset with a trainer who allegedly did this to what he holds most dear to his heart: furniture. Now most people wouldn’t see what the big deal is, as odds are that same couch could be found in your college apartment. But to Mattress Mack, destroying a couch proves she is a monster! These videos were likewise disturbing to Borell’s supporters, who were shocked to learn she lived in a rented house, and not, as they previously thought, at the right hand of the Father.

Even though at this point, the story had become so crazy that even a soap opera produce would reject it as ridiculous, things only got weirder: McIngvale to double down, and, instead of garnering support by creating the hashtag #MackLivesMatter, he instead improved his public image by giving an exclusive interview to Ray Paulick instead of a reporter who would put it behind a paywall. Unfortunately, the words he said in the interview did nothing to help his cause: first, he compared himself to Donald Trump, thus ensuring the support of Confederate Flag-fliers, Internet commenters, and mouthbreathers. Unfortunately, the rest of America appears unconvinced by his argument, which continued with the claim that he’s “not in this for the money,” but also, by the way, anyone who wants “can wire me $50 million and lead him out.” And if you act now, he’ll even throw in a free loveseat! McIngvale also defended his unconventional style of changing trainers more often than he changes underwear (allegedly). The list of trainers he fired includes Bob Baffert, Nick Zito, and Bobby Frankel, because apparently he knows better than the Racing Hall of Fame whether a trainer is any good. Before Runhappy, this strategy had led to the spending of $40 million over the past 20 years without racing a single horse you could name. Seriously, go ahead and rack your brain to come up with a McIngvale horse besides Runhappy, I’ll wait…

[waiting…][still waiting…]

What’s that? 2004 Louisiana Derby winner Wimbledon? Nice try, I know you used Google. Anyway, when the dust settles, neither McIngvale nor Borell will emerge looking good, meaning the victim here, as in most racing spectacles, is the horse. Poor Runhappy. If only there were an equine version of Child Protective Services that could rescue him! Please no one say PETA. Please no one say PETA

And that was this past week in racing. Also, American Pharoah became the first ever winner of horse racing’s Grand Slam, but I have no time to talk about that.

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